By Payal Jethra

The tears drop on the pillow again; this time forming dotted hearts; one more night of ache and pain. Pooja feels the load of baggage again. She has made up her mind to step into this year with a new resolve. It’s the trigger she resolves to work on. Chintu returned from badminton play around a quarter to nine to night. She is delighted that he chooses outdoor play over screen time. She loves it that he is a social being, looking forward to evening play time downstairs. Chintu and Mamma had discussed play and work time and she had been fine with his decision to return later than dinner is served at their place.

If all looks seemingly well, what exactly causes the trigger within her? Why is it that despite having read through books on self-development and healing, Pooja ends up knowingly, off loading her emotions on the teenager when he returns a happy go jolly chap? She asks herself, “Why does it bother you if he’s having a good time. I know you love him sincerely.” And the tears drop again.

“Why don’t you turn off the desktop and leave things to God and go sit beside him, be a part of his sharing and experience of what all of them played this evening?” asks her mind.
Pooja follows the mind and shuts down. “I don’t have to do everything- handle finances, manage home, stock up groceries, take up the child’s assignments…….I only need to learn to relax myself.”
  Pooja is now looking to understand why her buttons are getting pushed and why a certain situation causes a particular response in her. Why does this hurt?
What can help her respond more calmly and effectively to a situation such as this next time? She wants to be a part of Chintu’s play life, not standing on the other side, conflicting with her inner self, missing out on valuable bonding moments.

Does Pooja’s situation sound like yours? Is there a hot button, a blind spot within you that gets inadvertently pushed that unknowingly makes you take things personally while actually wanting to respond and effectively to your child’s behavior? How about resolving to work on strengthening the spiritual connect between parents and children as we stand at the threshold of 2021?
"As long as the candle is still burning, it is still possible to mend." – Rabbi Yisrael Salanter

Is there a stored memory of being humiliated by a teacher or If you found yourself stuck in an elevator for a long time as a little one or were left home alone overnight and had a frightening experience? Such experiences get stored in our psyche with all the turbulent entangled emotions that were left unresolved. And any incident in the present causes a trigger which sends us into ‘fight or flight’ mode and we simply freeze or lash out because we’ve been lugging that emotional backpack along all these years.  

Haven’t we all had this experience that an open or tender wound tends to be vulnerable and more likely to hurt even with a gentle touch? There’s obviously some unresolved unattended emotional scar that needs to be gently cared for. And how will my child take these reactions of mine? Might be a concern. Will he think of me as an inadequate parent or one who is unfair? When your buttons get pressed, your child looks like the enemy. No, you don’t need to feel ashamed or guilty about these feelings. Children are resilient. If you’ve been with him through years of growing, nurturing the relation and being the anchor he has counted on, he’ll come through for you. No child would abandon a parent who is physically sick and your child will certainly stick with you through your healing.

Even by choosing to work on your triggers, you’re modeling good spiritual management and your child will learn by watching you take steps toward spiritual baggage management. Your situation may be like Pooja’s or perhaps may take another form. Whatever causes the trigger or turbulent emotions, it’s important not to take action in the heat of the moment, being mindful and not letting yourself get mired in the muck. When we hold our self through these moments, feeling the emotions but resisting the urge to act on them, those huge wave-like scary feelings begin to dissipate.

This rewiring takes patience, time and effort. Love yourself for the parent you’ve been so far. Remind yourself of all the precious years and cherished memories you share with your children. Self-regulating is a process and will develop over a period of time. There’s no shame in reaching out for support when required. Speak with a counselor, reach out to support groups….but best of all….sign up for a meditation course to help you sort out entangled emotions from the past that might be getting in the way of a Beautiful Present. Let meditation be the spiritual balm, working its soothing magic and bringing out the diamond glitter of your original Soul.

Can’t find the time to?
"Having a positive parent-child relationship is money in the bank — and disciplinary checks are written against that account.”- Neil Kalter

Take the first step and let the rest fall in place. There have been families who have found their connections with one another just because one member took the first pro-active step of healing himself. You want to be that First Glow? You want to let the Light shine through you to the rest of the family and devour every moment of the parent-child connect with your little ones? your own well-being is one of your most important responsibilities as a parent, because otherwise you can't be the parent you want your child to have.

So, does your little one get a sneek peek into “The New Mommy this 2021? A lighter version of yourself, a more energetic, vibrant and a radiant you?

This piece was first published on https://www.momspresso.com/parenting/memoirs-of-a-single-parent/article/a-new-mommyin-2021-fskyech832bo 

Payal Jethra lives in Mumbai and handles the NRI & Digital Banking portfolio of a reputed Nationalised Bank. She is a single parent to a charming enthusiastic 13 year old boy. Passionate about listening to audio books, cooking, writing parenting blogs, she believes that the only way to fill "the cup of Life" is to have a direct connect with The Spiritual Light House, which is the one and only source of unlimited Power.